3-5-09 a long overdue post>>>>
1-20-09 Stressed out

I feel like 2 people today or at least 2 different wills,(needs).
Part of me PRT1 desperately wants to take action and carry through with my plans in preparing to leave Kent. The other part wants me to wait until I have had my shot tonight and my mental/ emotional state is more stable. 1 doesn't want to wait because we know nothing will change if we do and we will be trapped here again. 2 thinks things will get better. 1 doesn't believe it and is getting more anxious all the time. 1 recognizes this feeling and wants to get out, step off the planet. 2 knows that can't happen because we promised Crystal. And thinks it would hurt too many other people who don't "get it". 2 always wins this point. But 1 is so very tired & frustrated it seems all we have ever done is forgive, distract ourselves, and wait for more of the same. It is very confusing. We can't get anything done at home because that distracts us from the dispare which drives us to what should be done. Not doing anything is terrifying. The entire inner quarrel is physically, mentally and emotionally fatiguing. I disparately need to talk to someone. But it can't be just anyone. I need someone I can trust to encourage me in the right direction and still give me hope and also be able to forget all this when things get resolved. Every move I make to help myself is one that could back fire. I am walking an emotional mine field. No matter what I do Kent will still come home tonight, my feelings will be no different and once again we'll (1& 2) play stuff it and smile. He wouldn't talk to me yesterday, why would he tonight? There is a constant scream of futility blazing in my brain. Yes, Ive prayed. The relief is short lived and just supports 1's idea that it is all useless anyway. We're caught in a loop. We've deceided hell is this kind of loop. Ever trying and never seeing any change. Something different has got to be done. As sure as 1 is about leaving Kent we are also afraid,very afraid. We know not to play' what if.' Still my mind shifts to..consequences... it is possible that....


I just want to sleep. Sleep and float up to Christ. I don't want to ache any more.I don't want to be sad any more. I DON'T want m.s. any more. O.K. I admit it. I'm not so strong. My brain & mind won't listen to me any more. I have almost no more influence on action producing direct thought. My body is also unwilling to respond. Beam me up please, jsut beam me up.
Some how after my shot tonight, I still have to take action.But I don't know how.And I am unsure of the best action to take. This loops is making me physically /emotionally weak & nauseated.


It really maddens me that the only time I feel enough pain to want to do something is when I am having a glitch with my med.s and that means no relief from the pain (emotional) But when the pain is gone my thoughts feel less justified and so I do nothing... at the time I am emotionally strongest. The things that cause or caused the pain are still there but I am strong enough to ignore, rationalize, excuse or forgive them. Still, they hurt even if I do.And when the med.s are gone (worn off) all memories, events, words,& wounds return as if new again.
I really don't want to be a bother. I just can't deal with this relationship,& M.S. with no safety net. I can't jump this ship, but riding it is making me continually sick. I'm no good to anybody.